You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.