ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
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Note to self: I am a note
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out