[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that