I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
You Might Also Like
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Hmmmmm
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?