No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My last name is Zilla.
who will stop them
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.