Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
You Might Also Like
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I bet birds love this building.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen