called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You Might Also Like
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’