Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.