I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
girls literally only want one thing..
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
New tinder profile pic
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us