me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
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My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.