When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
the only bumper sticker ill allow
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.