INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
accurate
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!