ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER