4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like