I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay