sistine chapel
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.