*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention