For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
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My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
My love language is deader than Latin
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two