Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I am yelling
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.