I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch