You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”