GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
New favorite tiktok
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!