“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My typo game is string.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.