[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”