Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I came this close!!!!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
wait.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one