If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!