Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.