“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.