Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
twitter users today:
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin