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CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough