If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Snapes on a plane.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Just say no
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT