Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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