I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.