At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
You Might Also Like
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*