Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The fall of Netflix
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*