8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.