The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.