I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go