I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
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I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.