How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Kids: Stay in school.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me