I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.