Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.