Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You Might Also Like
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.