When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
#SCOTUS one-star review
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.