Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
we’re dead?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.