Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
That’s not how days work.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.