My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!