The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Coffee is ready.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.