You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes