[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
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The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.